Oh Talents of Mine

Hi everybody. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I hope this post will please you. :)
So you know how some people have really awesome talents? Like skating really well when they're about five years old. Or skateboarding. Or dancing on top of a horse with a baton. Those people are always "cool" for the rest of their life. You call them when you want to impress your other friends. As if to say "Look how amazing this person is. They're my friend which makes me amazing by default." They look like this (you know, with the "BAM AWESOME" cloud behind them):
Well I thought I could try to do these kinds of things too. I tried at least riding a horse. Well I found out that being height challenged didn't work to my advantage. I couldn't get on the horse without major help. And nobody looks awesome when they have to climb up four steps to get in a horse. So then I tried skateboarding. I got on the skateboard and went a couple inches before falling down. I don't think I'm able to trust my entire weight on a thin piece of wood with wheels. But the last time I remembered skating I thought I had done pretty well. But when I tried to go too fast, I fell down.... a lot. I ended up bruising my tailbone and wishing I had never set on this adventure to find the awesomeness hidden within me.

But then I remembered, I did have a talent. I could paint my nails like nobody's business! I mean, I wish my awesome talent was more......awesome. You know how I said earlier that you call those cool people to impress your friends? Well you call me when you want me to do your toenails because you can't reach them. I get called to touch your feet.

But at least I can make my fingers like little rainbows.

Childhood Injury Stories? Yay!

Today I will retell a story from when I was little. Back when we lived in Ypsi, we had an awesome house. Awesome basically meaning we had a pool in the backyard. Well, there was one setback. Right in the middle of the sidewalk in front of our house, was a fire hydrant. One day, I was outside playing with a baby doll.
You may notice the color of my dress is different. That's because when I was little someone told me things that I believed like pink was the only color girls could like and that boys had no eyelashes. Somehow my doll ended up right next to the fire hydrant. I'm not really sure how this happened, it just did.

So, I did what any little kid would do, I immediately went to pick it up. I was too close and went down too fast though.

Yep, that's right. My head came in direct contact with that angry looking, bright red monster.

Now this part I don't remember too well, but my mother was standing by the window and saw it all. Apparantly I bounced off and flew into the air.

I'm pretty sure I ran screaming and crying to my mom, traumatized for life.

Just kidding. But I did have to go to the hospital and get some stitches on my forehead.

Fried Green Tomatoes

My day started out happily enough. Butterflys landed on me and gave me kisses. Smiley faces floated around me. I hadn't a care in the world.

Then my mom wanted to watch a movie. It was called "Fried Green Tomatoes" There was this sweet old lady who was telling a story and she was so lovable. I liked this movie.

Then the woman she was telling the story to came into her room to see her and found a nurse taking down the things she had in her room.

I was upset. How could they end the movie like that? She hadn't even finished telling her story. Needless to say, I started crying. The walls behind me turned gray with sadness.

I was so relieved. She wasn't dead! And thus I went to bed slightly happy again. Such a rollercoaster of events.

Sadly enough, that's all I could think to write.....again.

Procrastination!

I tried to think of something to write this morning. I really did. I battled loads of monsters just to get to my computer. See?

I was being attacked from everywhere. There was some kind of green goblin and a pony and a carnivorous bat. And the goblin had already bitten something because there was blood on it's teeth. Or it was drinking red kool-aid. I'm not really sure which. This is how it went down:

Goblin: *some weird gurgling noise*

Me: I need my computer!!! :O

Pony: *made a sound that came from something evil*

Me: No! I have to blog!

Bat: HAHA! No, I gotta check my facebook.

Then a most epic battle ensued:

It was all very traumatic. Well okay, here is how I actually tried to get an idea:

Yeah. I sat down and just stared at the empty screen for a while. The I read my other post again. And that didn't help at all. So I made a mistake. I told myself if I watched a movie, ti would help along the creative process.
And here's the problem. I turned on the movie "Howl's Moving Castle" and forgot all about the computer sitting on my lap.

That was at 9:30 this morning. It is now 5:30 in the afternoon. I am a really good procrastinator

Snack-time gone horribly wrong.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought you were about to die? When in fact you just were overexaggerating something? Yeah. I hate those moments.

THE SPIDER EYE:


So I'm feeling all healthy and think, I'm hungry, I want a snack! So I grab a plum from the counter. It's all squishy and gross, but I think, what the hey, it should be delicious! It looked like the best goddamn plum to me.

Then, as I pick it up to wash it off, I see it. A small little spider crawls out of the perfect little plum I had previously selected.

Then I dropped that shit like it was on fire. Everything was fine for a couple minutes while I tried to get the fact that I had just touched something that had a spider on it out of my mind. Then my eye started to itch. And here's were I began to irrationally panic.

This is probably what actually happened:

This is what I thought happened:

Of course, I freak out. There is most definitely a very pregnant spider in my eye and she is about to unleash her little spidey-offspring. I won't call them children becasue I don't think you can call something that is a creature of the devil a child. It just sounds wrong.

So then for most of you, the obvious solution would be to simply wipe away at my eye. But no. In my mind, I looked down at my hands and imagined this:




That's right. Tons of little spiders crawling all over my hands. I had, after all touched a plum which a spider had crawled out. This meant that an infinite number of them had gotten on my hands and the second I touched my eye, they would all go there and have their own little spider-spawns.



That's when I saw it. My salvation.

So my tale ends with my trying to get a little eyelash that may have even been a little spec of dust out of my eyeball with a pathetic piece of tissue.