THE SPIDER EYE:
So I'm feeling all healthy and think, I'm hungry, I want a snack! So I grab a plum from the counter. It's all squishy and gross, but I think, what the hey, it should be delicious! It looked like the best goddamn plum to me.
Then, as I pick it up to wash it off, I see it. A small little spider crawls out of the perfect little plum I had previously selected.
Then I dropped that shit like it was on fire. Everything was fine for a couple minutes while I tried to get the fact that I had just touched something that had a spider on it out of my mind. Then my eye started to itch. And here's were I began to irrationally panic.
This is probably what actually happened:
This is what I thought happened:
So then for most of you, the obvious solution would be to simply wipe away at my eye. But no. In my mind, I looked down at my hands and imagined this:
That's right. Tons of little spiders crawling all over my hands. I had, after all touched a plum which a spider had crawled out. This meant that an infinite number of them had gotten on my hands and the second I touched my eye, they would all go there and have their own little spider-spawns.
That's when I saw it. My salvation.
So my tale ends with my trying to get a little eyelash that may have even been a little spec of dust out of my eyeball with a pathetic piece of tissue.