Snack-time gone horribly wrong.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought you were about to die? When in fact you just were overexaggerating something? Yeah. I hate those moments.

THE SPIDER EYE:


So I'm feeling all healthy and think, I'm hungry, I want a snack! So I grab a plum from the counter. It's all squishy and gross, but I think, what the hey, it should be delicious! It looked like the best goddamn plum to me.

Then, as I pick it up to wash it off, I see it. A small little spider crawls out of the perfect little plum I had previously selected.

Then I dropped that shit like it was on fire. Everything was fine for a couple minutes while I tried to get the fact that I had just touched something that had a spider on it out of my mind. Then my eye started to itch. And here's were I began to irrationally panic.

This is probably what actually happened:

This is what I thought happened:

Of course, I freak out. There is most definitely a very pregnant spider in my eye and she is about to unleash her little spidey-offspring. I won't call them children becasue I don't think you can call something that is a creature of the devil a child. It just sounds wrong.

So then for most of you, the obvious solution would be to simply wipe away at my eye. But no. In my mind, I looked down at my hands and imagined this:




That's right. Tons of little spiders crawling all over my hands. I had, after all touched a plum which a spider had crawled out. This meant that an infinite number of them had gotten on my hands and the second I touched my eye, they would all go there and have their own little spider-spawns.



That's when I saw it. My salvation.

So my tale ends with my trying to get a little eyelash that may have even been a little spec of dust out of my eyeball with a pathetic piece of tissue.